At what age do you finally feel like you’re that age? I’m 39… Jesus, that’s painful to say. I’m about to be 40. FORTY. That’s pretty painful to say out loud, or least see it in type. I’m a full grown adult, and have been by say, twenty years. Where did those years go?

But I don’t feel 40. I don’t feel 39. I feel like I’m still 16, or at the most 25. Man, I just can’t identify with my age. The thing is, I have sciatica like a motherfucker, I have a thyroid disorder, my body creaks and moans, but I still laugh at farts, I still laugh at some stupid things I shouldn’t laugh at, I still go to the drive-in… I just don’t feel my age.

I’ve had quite a few jobs in my life. I’ve been a shipper/ receiver, overseeing modular houses that shipped to oil places in Venezuela, I’ve been a writer/ director that had films play across North America, I’ve worked at an International Airport, and a grocery store. I’ve traveled to Southeast Asia and flipped my motorbike with my girlfriend in tow rather than going off a cliff. When do I become an adult? Because I don’t feel like one.

I’ve written… I guess, ballpark, around 16 books. I’m too lazy to look it up. But that’s a few. Especially considering most people when I talk to them say, “Someday, I’d like to write a book,” or, “You should write a book about” blah blah blah.

That’s getting off topic. The point is, I’ve done enough to make other people jealous. I’ve done enough to make most people think I’m an adult and have my shit together. That’s not to brag. Believe me, I’m not bragging, I’m jealous of others. Others that have their shit together… supposedly.

It’s a Thursday afternoon (why do we capitalize the days of the week?) and after going down the rabbit hole of YouTube, I decided I want to re-watch Lone Survivor after seeing an interview with Marky Mark and Marcus Luttrell. It’s a great movie, maybe the best war movie ever along with Black Hawk Down. I know people will say Full Metal Jacket is, or Platoon, but Full Metal Jacket is basically two movies, and Platoon was good for its time, but lets be honest here… Black Hawk Down is the shit, and Lone Survivor is right up there with it. I will allow you to argue Apocalypse Now (original cut) or even the Deer Hunter. Those are pretty fucking rad.

Actually, Apocalypse Now fucks me up for about an hour after watching. I can’t speak to anyone after watching it for awhile. Amazing flick.

Anyway, getting to the point of this post. I’m pretty much 40. And there’s still so many things I want to do. But I realize I can’t. And that really bums me the fuck out.

I watched NYPD Blue (one of the best shows ever put on television, thank you David Milch), and I wanted to be a detective. I also watched Deadwood (again, thank you David Milch), and wanted to be a cowboy in the old west. I watched The Unit and read the book it was based on (Inside Delta Force by Eric Haney) and I want to be a Delta Operator. I’m currently watching Homeland and somewhat want to work for the CIA.

Justified is my favorite show. EVER. Based on the world of Elmore Leonard, which I desperately model my writing career after. And I want to be a US Marshal.

I also watch football and want to be a player for the Pittsburgh Steelers. I watch the World Cup and play FIFA on my xbox and also want to play soccer.

I also have a strange fascination with space. And the moon. And other planets. And other galaxies. I would like to travel to space someday and experience zero gravity. I would love to see half the planet from a distance. Am I the only one that thought Sandra Bullock was lucky to see that view in Gravity? Jesus, what a sight.

I also want to fire a Glock, a Winchester Goldenboy and Sharps rifle, but it’s very difficult in my country of Canada.

I want to do all of these things.

But I can’t.

I realize you have to sacrifice the good for the bad. I get that. The thing is, in life, you have to give up one for the other. I realized that pretty early in life. Here’s the fact of the matter: To get something, you have to give up something. That’s the way it is, like it or not.

So, at the age of 39, I have to acknowledge that I will never go to space. I will never play professionally in any sport. I will never be a Navy Seal, or Seal Team Six, or Delta Operator. Or Canadian equivalent, JTF2.

The thing is, where did all that talent I thought I had, where did it go?

Did I not realize my “potential?” Did I not “seek out” my true interests?”

Originally, this was a post I started writing called, “I’m 36 and confused.” Obviously, I’m still confused. I remember looking at “grown-ups” and thinking they had their shit together. NOW I’m one of those people and I haven’t got a clue.

When did you grow up? When did you become an adult? Because I still feel like I can be whatever I want to be when I grow up.